"A crystal ball, The Golf Channel, and medical advice from my niece and nephew..."

“A crystal ball, The Golf Channel, and medical advice from my nephew and niece”

Each day of this journey seems painstakingly tougher and tougher. Today I met with the radiation doctors, a social worker, and two nurses. It was a three-hour appointment that seemed like a blur. I’m normally very organized professionally, and if I were a caretaker of someone enduring this, I’d be one efficient machine, fully charged and ready to take the reigns of care for a loved one. However, since the tables are turned, I’ve noticed my organizational skills slipping, and even every day chores are tough to accomplish. I do catch myself at times doing chores as if my life is normal, and then I realize it’s my preoccupation that’s making me perform them.

I’m unsure of how fast things are going to happen. When your world is rocked like this, time manifests itself differently. In some instances, it moves at a snails pace. Then, suddenly, it’s a blur and you wonder where the time went. I find myself reflecting on the past almost constantly. Songs on the radio can tend to spur memories of years ago that seemed like yesterday. Each faded memory is also accompanied with a charge of “What if I wasn’t smoking back then?” Would it have made a difference? I’m having a tough time forgiving myself for smoking, and re-starting 10 years ago when I had fully quit for 18 weeks. I wouldn’t say it was a valid reason for why I started to smoke again, but it was what allowed me to cope during a failed pregnancy during that time. Oh, if I would have not turned into that Quik Shop. I guess there is a reason why the quote “Let sleeping dogs lie” or “Water under the bridge” exist….To soothe the soul.

The appointment at KU Med Center gave me conflicting emotions. On one hand, I’m in a confused, emotional and melancholy state, but ready to jump on the table and start this venture. I’ve intermittent internal drive. I hope the competitor in me evolves soon. The other emotion that surfaced at the med center today involved my nephew, Michael. For the last two years, he was strolling through these same hallowed halls as a second year med student at KUMC. My husband and I took him to dinner on several occasions. I thought to myself how he walked these hallowed grounds as a prospective future doctor, full of knowledge, drive and determination and en route to a phenomenal career. I thought it was a strange twist for family members to circulate the same territories, albeit for different reasons. I did come to the conclusion that he left there happy, healthy and moving onward in his medical career, and I hope to have the same success. I did have the privilege to call him and ask him and his wife, a brilliant pharmacist, about some medications and potential conflicts. I’ve received the information from all the doctors and pharmacists, but find myself double and triple checking any information I receive to ensure I'm processing it. I understand, but need reinforcement. I don't like the temporary feeling of insecurity, but I felt honored to ask them both for advice.

I found it bizarre that I’m asking for help and sedation to walk me through these initial stages. I’ve always been a very enthusiastic person, and carried a passion, zest and unwavering youthful outlook towards life. I’m questioning that now, and know that things in my life are not normal, and a little bit of help certainly can’t hurt. I hope part of the process of dealing with the cancer will allow me to resume my fun, quirky persona, and I’m hoping that I at least get glimpses of it soon.

I’ve recognized the barometer for how I exist. I’m very passionate about KU basketball and golf. My husband had the golf channel on tonight, and I couldn’t stand to watch it. That is not normal for my overzealous golfing soul. I also have missed the last three KU games….Unheard of!! I’m hoping this fog will soon lift, and I can get on the road to fighting this devastating disease called Cancer. I know I’ve some rough and choppy waters ahead, and my spontaneous and impatient, move like a freight train persona is ready to start rolling and begin the fight. I only wish a crystal ball could give me a glimpse into what this road entails.

Call someone who means a lot to you and let them know it.
Love and Prayers,
Julie