"Second by Second..."

My lovely husband termed this the best: "It doesn't go away." You go to bed with it at night, you wake up with it, and it is omniscient in our narrative of life right now. I had a beautiful surprise when I arrived home from KUMC yesterday--A beautiful poster made by the students at school hanging in the entryway to my kitchen. I'm known around the building to be a super KU fan, and of course the colorful Jayhawk and praying hands were very symbolic and meaningful to me.

I'm so glad Wes has his mother here with him right now. She's provided wonderful conversation and a great support to us both. Her granddaughter is getting married today, and I'm grateful they will have a diversion of happiness.

I've found comfort in talking about and channeling what information I seek. I've talked to several cancer survivors and take pleasure in hearing their inspirational stories. I wish this was a nightmare I could soon wake up from, but with one look at the bloodwork bruises I know the bruises do not lie.

I've found myself driving around to places that present solitude to me. The Missouri River has been a place I can garner some peace. I've also sat in the parking lot of my local country club several times looking at the golf course and reflecting. It's as if I'm searching for a safe haven. I'm unsure of my future, and am living not minute by minute, hour by hour or day by day, but rather second by second. It's tough what happens to the mind. I'm struggling with knowing I've always been a pretty funny, spontaneous and zany character that had the most tremendous zeal and zest for life. I'm struggling with the sadness that I'm not only processing, but what it's presenting to others. I've always hated to see others suffer and I truly hate that I'm the culprit of these loved ones suffering. It's an endless cycle.

Preoccupation is a good thing. I've pretty much painted the inside of my entire house in the past, as my husband hates to paint. We've had to have some construction done on my bathroom in the last week, and when I woke up this morning, my husband had already painted it. Oh the things I'll do to make him paint!! :-)

Keep the prayers and strength coming. I'll bounce back soon. Yea, you'll see the feisty lil Jules real soon. It's just gonna take a wee bit.

Love and Prayers,
Julie