"Stalemate, Amends, Bill Self, KU and Foreshadowing..."

“Stalemate, Amends, Bill Self, KU and Foreshadowing…”

As I stated previously, I have made an attempt in the last few months to become active in church again. I’ve also reconnected recently with one of my best friends from high school, with whom we’d grown apart. I also find it ironic that I made a new dear friend via e-mail, an old fashioned “pen-pal” type friendship. I’m processing these events and wonder if they were a type of foreshadowing of things to come, and where these situations fall into place in the map of my life. Regardless of the outcome of my story, I’m grateful that in the last couple of months, I’ve had these reasons to smile.

I’m a wee bit apprehensive about my upcoming treatments. 5 days of chemo in a row scares me. I think I can handle the radiation, but, chemo is just flat out frightening. I’m sure once I get in the chair, I’ll have no choice but to fight like a warrior.

It’s horrendous what a waiting game regarding your mortality does to a bright, creative mind.

I’m really surprised and amazed at myself at how I’ve handled this news. While there is no prescribed manner to emote or react, I’ve simply just been knocked out. I don’t know when the competitor in me, and the former feisty athlete is going to come out swinging. As an athlete, I always preferred the strategy of defense. I’d rather get a steal than score a basket. As a coach, I was notorious for getting technicals for yelling at the referees and fighting for my players. My husband always told the refs that they were the only ones who could make me “shut up” and settle down by slapping a “T” on me. I’ve fought for my special education students at school.

I’m waiting for me to start fighting for me. It’s not a pity-party, and I’m not feeling sorry for myself. I’m simply floored. I knew I probably would always get lung cancer due to starting at an early age, and with a family history of it, the odds were against me. I simply didn’t think I’d be 47 years old when the devastating news altered my world. I think I’m more discouraged at myself for not having the discipline to stop the many times I’ve tried. Would of, could of, should of!!

It’s a terrible feeling knowing that my story makes others ache for me. It’s awful to see heartbreak in others. I’m in a stalemate with life right now, and it’s like I’m asea in unknown, unchartered waters. I hate what it’s doing to my husband. He’s trying to be so positive, so upbeat, so clever and fun. I try my best to paint a happy face, but it’s not me. I’ve always loved life tremendously. I’m a huge free spirit that lives in Capri’s and Birkenstocks. I’ve 33 KU shirts. I’ve 12 pairs of birks, dozens upon dozens of golf shirts, and 3 closets full of colorful clothes. I love funky things. I hate socks in the summer. I love to ride my scooter and take off to nowhere. I call what I have the 24th zany chromosome, and I definitely have it. However, it’s sunk somewhere, and I’m trying to pull it up. I pray for everyone that something like this never affects you because it truly is a kick in the gut that knocks the wind right out of you.
I received in the mail today a card from the Kansas Men’s Basketball Office. It was from Bill Self, coach of my beloved Jayhawks. It stated:

“Dear Julie,
Just a note to let you know we are thinking of you at this difficult time. We know you are a great Jayhawk fan and appreciate your loyalty throughout the years. All of us in the basketball office are sending our best wishes and want you to keep cheering for us. We will be cheering for you!”
Rock Chalk Jayhawk,

Bill Self

That is the tip of what I hope brings out my spirit and fight.

Love and Prayers,
Julie